Not everyone has a loving or supportive family. Indeed, many people have abusive parents and siblings. In this day and age, why do people still assume that family is all loving, kind, and supportive? For a person who has survived an abusive family, it is hurtful and difficult to face repeated questions such as “Where is your family? How old are your parents? Do you have any siblings? Do you have parents? Do you keep in touch with your family and your siblings?”
Movies—even those intended for children—such as Cinderella (2015), or Tangled (2010) depict abusive family relationships. The popular TV series 難哄 or The First Frost (2025) is a recent example of this very serious theme being presented in a Chinese cultural background.
We can expand our understanding of family beyond simple genetics. For many people, true family are not blood relatives—rather true family is the community of loved ones who have actually provided consistent care over the years. It can sometimes be a necessary step, for mental health and physical safety, to end relationships with abusive parents or siblings, and we must be very respectful and supportive of people who have made this difficult choice.
Some people who are not in touch with their abusive genetic relatives feel ashamed about not having a loving family—we must have empathy and understanding for people with this background. If you are experiencing such shame yourself, I invite you to recognize your feelings, to understand their origins, and to do your best to let the feelings go. Let us strive towards having a world in which people don’t need to experience shame about painful things that have happened to them in childhood.
I have been talking about abuse in my blog for almost a decade, and I invite readers to become better acquainted with this topic.
Before you ask about someone’s family, out of curiosity or care, or just as a social habit, think first. Think about the consequences. Are you going to make someone uncomfortable? Is your assumption, that everyone has a loving biological family, going to trigger unpleasant memoires in someone?
In convocations, we often hear university leaders asking the graduates to feel thankful for their parents’ support. But what about the students who do not have parents? Students whose parents have passed away? Students whose parents are abusive and neglectful? Not only do many students lack parental love and support, both financial and emotional, but many students also have endured abuse from their own parents. Their parents did not support them, but hindered them from growing healthily, socially, academically, and vocationally. University leaders need to keep these situations in mind, otherwise their well-meaning words could add pain to those who need support and respect the most, especially in a moment of such great achievement.
Surviving childhood adversity, and attaining success later on in life, despite the harms or obstructions caused by your parents or siblings, can be something to feel proud about.
Affirmations: I enrich my life when I think before I ask about someone’s family. I enrich my life when I become aware that many people have been abused by their parents and siblings, and that not everyone has a loving, kind family. I enrich my life when I support survivors of abuse, emotionally, socially, academically, and vocationally.
References
Allison, D. (Producer), & Branagh, K. (Director). (2015). Cinderella [Film]. Walt Disney Pictures.
Conli, R. (Producer), Greno, N., & Howard, B. (Directors). (2010). Tangled [Film]. Walt Disney Animation Studios.
Qu, Y. N. (Director), & Jiang, R. Z. (Co-director). (2025). Difficult to Coax [TV series]. Wa Jia Jia Wa; Youku; Hunan Galaxy Cool Entertainment Cultural Media Co., Ltd.